All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
