i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We are two peas in an std pod
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
