seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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