4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
