if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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