I'm so fucking centered right now
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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