and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
