also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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