you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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