he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
