I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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