just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
