Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
