she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
