turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
