I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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