all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
