I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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