I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
