My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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