I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This toilet bowl is my home.
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