I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
