Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
