I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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