No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
