He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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