if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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