If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
