hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Couch. On fire.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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