Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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