we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
