I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
