Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
