New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
