so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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