I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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