a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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