I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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