I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
