So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
