We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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