My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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