Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
