Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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