It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He shit in the fireplace
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
