She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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