I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
