She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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