Whoa Z and x make the same sound
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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