I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're using joints as your birthday candles
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
