Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
