Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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