Betty ford says i'm here all night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
