how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
