I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
