i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
