There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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