i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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