I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
