She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
